I had wanted to write a blog just the day after writing my first post, about how I was feeling, about the different trials I have been experiencing. But things got in the way, and I thought that what I was feeling would pass away and I could write to you all telling you what I had learned afterwards.
Now I am writing this post in the midst of it all, feeling quite vulnerable, but knowing that it is in my weakness that God can show His strength. In my lacking, God can fill me up, and He can be glorified. I hope you know that making a decision like this and going on a trip is not for 'super-Christians' and frankly, I'm a girl with lots of fears and worries, and YET God still calls me to GO. All I need to do is obey. All I need to do is trust. Everything else is up to Him.
Looking back, what seemed to be such a huge deal, doesn't seem like anything. They have been resolved. God is good, all the time. He's working always in our circumstances. There had been a lot of logistical difficulties such as my school telling me I wasn't eligible to graduate even though I had all my requirements, my family doctor deciding to go on vacation and not coming back until the day I'm supposed to be in Calgary, and the medical exam I need to do and my discomfort in having a male doctor conduct it. All these worries and more have been plaguing my mind.
But those little things have been nothing compared to the emotional turmoil I have been experiencing. I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety, ever since I have been preparing to leave. So many different emotions of excitement, nervousness, joy, fear - everything mixed together. I have been confused and feel that I've been battling many inner storms, but yes, God has and will always win! Those of you who aren't close to me are probably surprised. I am not as strong as you think, it is always God who has pulled me out. Those of you who know me well, thank you for believing that someone like me can still be redeemed, made anew, and serve God.
Even as I type this tears are running down my face inexplicably, I don't know why. I've had what I think are panic attacks, and I have been worried that I wouldn't be able to handle such a huge change, that I will miss those around me too much, that when I am back everything and everyone I know will be different.
Somewhere in the midst of all these lies though, I see that image again, that God showed me over a year ago near Christmas time on a trip with my parents to Chicago. I was sitting on the tour bus, and a beautiful and steady image of a girl, her back facing me, walking towards the bright sun in an open field.
Later I was led to a verse in Matthew 13:44: "The kingdom of a heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field."
Since then, this image God has shown and the verse has stayed in my heart. From that one verse, God has spoken many messages to me.
He has said that I need to live a simple life on this Earth.
Then He stated that He is the treasure.
But also, we are to Him, also the treasure - one that He sacrificed Himself for.
Another time, God revealed that I needed to 'sell' the lies in my heart that I owned - fear, anxiety, doubt, worry... all these things choking my faith.
Today... I am led to this passage:
Matthew 6:21 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also"
I pray and ask that you would pray for me during this time. I know that these trials can only made me stronger, and perhaps I am being prepared for something greater ahead of me. I seek to be that girl walking towards the beautiful Son, Jesus.
Hanging onto hope,
ying
Friday, May 24, 2013
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
The beginning of a shared journey
"You are going to Kenya."
It came to me as a surprise to get a confirmation email from Samaritan's Purse about my acceptance as an intern for their Water Track internship last Thursday, and then the contract sent to me the next day. It all still seems to be like a dream; to be moving too fast. I just finished my program in International Development Studies and Health & Society, and was looking for a way to get more experience in my field, and also in a more general sense, waiting on God for an answer about my calling for the future.
Going to Urbana last December was one step in that direction. I remember vividly digging deeply into the book of Luke, and being led by Calisto Odede, a Kenyan. We saw how Christ came to where the fishermen were, who took a leap of faith to follow Him. I remember also, how I was so reminded of my month volunteering in Kenya in 2009 when we packaged kits for World Vision on one of the nights, and all my various emotions of that trip poured out. It didn't occur to me then that God was laying out a path, invisible to me, but so clear to Him. Honestly, I still cannot say I truly understand the path I need to take, but I know that it is only by His power and grace that I could have been provided this opportunity. Praise God!
In case you weren't updated by me, I will be a CIDA (Canadian International Development Agency) Intern with Samaritan's Purse, a Christian relief and development NGO in Kenya for 7 months, and 3 weeks spent in Calgary, Alberta in training beforehand, and then 1 week afterwards for debriefing. In total I will be away from Toronto for 8 months. I will be a Water Track Intern, and be working on water sanitation and community development initiatives in which a Biosand Water Filter, (which purifies water to make it drinkable) will be installed in and by the community, and hygiene practices will be taught. I know there is also much more that I will be involved in, and I will share with you along the way.
I am not used to posting on a public blog for many people to read, as I want to be genuine, and it's harder when you write for an audience. But I have been reading other intern's blogs, and Aaron reminded me that this is a shared journey where I need the support of you and your prayers. I seek to be as honest as I can here on this blog, and hope you would be blessed by what is shared. This time I want to share with you and hope that you would journey with me on this exciting internship.
love,
ying
It came to me as a surprise to get a confirmation email from Samaritan's Purse about my acceptance as an intern for their Water Track internship last Thursday, and then the contract sent to me the next day. It all still seems to be like a dream; to be moving too fast. I just finished my program in International Development Studies and Health & Society, and was looking for a way to get more experience in my field, and also in a more general sense, waiting on God for an answer about my calling for the future.
Going to Urbana last December was one step in that direction. I remember vividly digging deeply into the book of Luke, and being led by Calisto Odede, a Kenyan. We saw how Christ came to where the fishermen were, who took a leap of faith to follow Him. I remember also, how I was so reminded of my month volunteering in Kenya in 2009 when we packaged kits for World Vision on one of the nights, and all my various emotions of that trip poured out. It didn't occur to me then that God was laying out a path, invisible to me, but so clear to Him. Honestly, I still cannot say I truly understand the path I need to take, but I know that it is only by His power and grace that I could have been provided this opportunity. Praise God!
In case you weren't updated by me, I will be a CIDA (Canadian International Development Agency) Intern with Samaritan's Purse, a Christian relief and development NGO in Kenya for 7 months, and 3 weeks spent in Calgary, Alberta in training beforehand, and then 1 week afterwards for debriefing. In total I will be away from Toronto for 8 months. I will be a Water Track Intern, and be working on water sanitation and community development initiatives in which a Biosand Water Filter, (which purifies water to make it drinkable) will be installed in and by the community, and hygiene practices will be taught. I know there is also much more that I will be involved in, and I will share with you along the way.
I am not used to posting on a public blog for many people to read, as I want to be genuine, and it's harder when you write for an audience. But I have been reading other intern's blogs, and Aaron reminded me that this is a shared journey where I need the support of you and your prayers. I seek to be as honest as I can here on this blog, and hope you would be blessed by what is shared. This time I want to share with you and hope that you would journey with me on this exciting internship.
love,
ying
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