It hasn't been easy

I had wanted to write a blog just the day after writing my first post, about how I was feeling, about the different trials I have been experiencing. But things got in the way, and I thought that what I was feeling would pass away and I could write to you all telling you what I had learned afterwards.

Now I am writing this post in the midst of it all, feeling quite vulnerable, but knowing that it is in my weakness that God can show His strength. In my lacking, God can fill me up, and He can be glorified. I hope you know that making a decision like this and going on a trip is not for 'super-Christians' and frankly, I'm a girl with lots of fears and worries, and YET God still calls me to GO. All I need to do is obey. All I need to do is trust. Everything else is up to Him.

Looking back, what seemed to be such a huge deal, doesn't seem like anything. They have been resolved. God is good, all the time. He's working always in our circumstances. There had been a lot of logistical difficulties such as my school telling me I wasn't eligible to graduate even though I had all my requirements, my family doctor deciding to go on vacation and not coming back until the day I'm supposed to be in Calgary, and the medical exam I need to do and my discomfort in having a male doctor conduct it. All these worries and more have been plaguing my mind.

But those little things have been nothing compared to the emotional turmoil I have been experiencing. I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety, ever since I have been preparing to leave. So many different emotions of excitement, nervousness, joy, fear - everything mixed together. I have been confused and feel that I've been battling many inner storms, but yes, God has and will always win! Those of you who aren't close to me are probably surprised. I am not as strong as you think, it is always God who has pulled me out. Those of you who know me well, thank you for believing that someone like me can still be redeemed, made anew, and serve God.

Even as I type this tears are running down my face inexplicably, I don't know why. I've had what I think are panic attacks, and I have been worried that I wouldn't be able to handle such a huge change, that I will miss those around me too much, that when I am back everything and everyone I know will be different.

Somewhere in the midst of all these lies though, I see that image again, that God showed me over a year ago near Christmas time on a trip with my parents to Chicago. I was sitting on the tour bus, and a beautiful and steady image of a girl, her back facing me, walking towards the bright sun in an open field.

Later I was led to a verse in Matthew 13:44: "The kingdom of a heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field."

Since then, this image God has shown and the verse has stayed in my heart. From that one verse, God has spoken many messages to me.
He has said that I need to live a simple life on this Earth.
Then He stated that He is the treasure.
But also, we are to Him, also the treasure - one that He sacrificed Himself for.
Another time, God revealed that I needed to 'sell' the lies in my heart that I owned - fear, anxiety, doubt, worry... all these things choking my faith.

Today... I am led to this passage:
Matthew 6:21 "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also"

I pray and ask that you would pray for me during this time. I know that these trials can only made me stronger, and perhaps I am being prepared for something greater ahead of me. I seek to be that girl walking towards the beautiful Son, Jesus.

Hanging onto hope,
ying